In over thirty five years of pastoral, pre-marital counseling I have often been asked the question, “Well, what do you think, should we marry?”

I understand the energy for the question; at such a decisive moment, full of implications for the future, we want to “get it right”. But, like most profound moments in our lives, it is just not that easy.

Some years ago I spoke to a beloved person these words, “You know if you decide not to be married tomorrow, I will support you; and, if you decide to get married, I will support you”. As it turned out, my fearful concerns were unfortunately correct.

We can never get into the minds and hearts of others, it’s difficult enough with ourselves. There is a certain ‘magic’ in relationships that the most surprising thrive and grow, and the most comfortable may wither and die.

There is, in other words, no template we can use to decide whether the marriage/commitment/partnership step is good or not. It is often in the act of commitment, and living out that commitment, an energy is provided that is beyond all expectations.

However you look at it, the commitment of two persons for a year (yet alone a life) is a stunning miracle.

C.S.Lewis once said that becoming a Christian involves giving as much as one knows of oneself to as much as one knows of God; I think there’s a lesson here for ‘people commitments’.

So, to ask the question of compatibility is right and good. The serious question should involve a realistic assessment of family and personal background, of personal challenges and disappointments – naming these, facing these is one enormous step to ensure a healthy and long relationship. Oh, and expectations are crucial; generally these are given to us by experience of family but that can be transformed.

And whether you contact me or someone else, a facilitator/third party is unquestionably helpful.